The Mule Chronicles...Episode 1
Mule trip day one...woke up way too early to drive way too far in the truck. Must adjust my fluid intake, I clearly forgot my father doesn't stop for regular potty breaks in order to "make good time." Tried to buy depends at the gas station just in case. After being asked for my "man card," I was told Flying J doesn't carry "toiletry aides" and that I should just hold it like a real man. As I whimpered back to the truck while doing my best duck potty waddle, I dug deep and conjured up my best parental self talk..."suck it up buttercup." Apparently my inner parental voice is a jerk. Made it to Utah with my bladder mostly intake and leaking only slightly causing the initial signs of sepsis. I was told I was being shown behind the curtain with a special dinner treat. Not until after gorging myself at "Chuck-O-Rama" (Note to California peeps...buffet food that is actually awesome) did I recall my college anatomy and physiology class lesson that stated that the mass quantities of food ingested would eventually need to come out. Two important notes here. 1. My mother said that I had to be on my best behavior because these are "nice people" likely not acquainted with people like me, and I was lucky to be invited (as if I'm ever anything but a pleasant angel) 2. I come from a family that has severely damaged restrooms in the past (a trait likely to continue). Now you can see my dilemma unfolding. Limited bathroom stops, poor bathroom etiquette, and large amount of ingested buffet food. I'm pretty sure I could get a job as an official tester at American Standard at this point. Any Utah peeps mind giving me a ride back to Cali if I get abandoned at the side of the road? I'm told I'm not a child anymore and it is perfectly legal to abandon a capable adult on the side of the road....stop with the capable adult jokes...I was entrusted with municipal secrets once...no I don't still work there...no it had nothing to do with said secrets...I don't think. That's all of today's highlights. I have to get to sleep because I'm told we have to get up early to prepare the mules...no, I don't know what that entails either because I kind of figured they'd be ready to go after just hanging around being mules. I don't know, but I'm sure that'll be a great story for tomorrow.
Ps. If I die on this trip I want to be cremated and put into dime baggies as sold as the latest cool drug to hipsters everywhere. Tell them it's called Raging Mule.
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