The Mule Chronicles...Pre-Shopping Shopping Day 2...The Adventure Continues

Today's episode is brought to you by Mr. Incredible...Making Alarm Clocks Obsolete since 2001...What do you mean you don't know who Mr. Incredible is?

This is Mr. Incredible...

And yes, he was making his alarm clock noise when I took the photo. That's pretty much all he does... all...the...time...well there is this other thing he does, but this is a family blog...mostly. Mr. Incredible is the donkey that is responsible for the breeding program here in Elk Ridge and I'm pretty sure this photo gives you a clue as to where Stuart learned his poor manners. But on a happy note, Mr. Incredible does an amazing job of awakening the world at 0500 every morning with his...well...whatever you call the noise a donkey makes...it's not pleasant...I imagine it's called something like the devil's yodel.

We awoke, again courtesy of Mr. Incredible, and had a leisurely morning before heading out for the Lee Kay Public Shooting Range to spend some time soaking up manliness and warrior mojo by shooting big guns at long distances. Our return followers might recall the purchase of a rather large caliber rifle for last year's ill fated hunt. Said rifle has been somewhat ill tempered despite several trips to the range and I didn't want to pass up an opportunity to shoot this mammoth beast out to 300 yards.

We arrived at the range only to discover that in my excitement this morning, I managed to leave my hearing protection and range bag in the RV back in Elk Ridge. We weren't about to drive the hour back to the rig so we figured we'd make do. A quick check in at the front desk resulted in the purchase of the worst foam ear plugs I have ever seen. Seriously, I could have gotten better protection from a 6 year old piece of discarded chewing gum...but, again, not being dissuaded. We also purchase the largest targets they have, which just happen to be small bore 100 yard targets that are about 16" X 16"...again, not being dissuaded. We drive down to the rifle range and I begin the trek to the target area. About this time, I start wishing I had packed a lunch and left a farewell note with my intended destination and travel route because OMG 300 yards is a long way to walk. It really was probably more like 5 miles because I had to walk to the far end of the range, walk 350 yards to the end of the range and then walk back across to the shooting lane where we intended to shoot so I could put up our targets on some kind of weird medieval torture device before reversing the trek back to the shoot location. Speaking of the torture device, did I mention that I didn't have anything to stick the paper targets to the target stand with...yup, back in the RV. I start hunting all over and try to evaluate my options. I decide that neither one of us can see or hear well enough that I can get away with yelling "Shoot" and throwing the target in the air for "The Father" to shoot at. Did I mention that it was 600 yards away...like 1800 feet...like 787,692 meters...seriously, it's a long freaking way back to the shooting position and I'm not about to go back without hanging the targets. I decide that the best way to go is to pry some of the old staples out of the target stand and use them to hold the targets in place by pushing them back in with my...BARE FINGERS! Seriously, there's a reason they sell staple guns, those little things are sharp. I manage to hang all four targets and start the long walk back looking like I've just been in a slap fight with a porcupine. About half way back I start looking for a taco truck because I surmise I can't be the only one in need of refreshments after this epic journey, but to my dismay no taco trucks (I left this as a comment in the suggestion box because I care about my fellow man and wouldn't want anyone to go down in the desert journey that is the walk to the end of 300,000 yard range). I return sunburned, dehydrated, and malnourished to find "The Father" all setup and happily ready shoot. "The Father" then asks, "did you put the targets up?" I say yes while gesturing down range. The confused look on "The Father's" face causes me to look down range and that's when it hits me...IT LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE WE'RE SHOOTING AT ANTS!!!!!! Dang it, I've made the trek out there and we're are going to shoot those minuscule targets if it kills us.

I load up my gun and get ready to send my first rounds down range. Three shots later and as near as I can see from my shooting position I haven't even nicked the target. Three more rounds and still nothing. I begin to scan for other targets thinking maybe I am shooting at the wrong target...nope, still nothing. Three more rounds, three more misses. And so it goes until I am down to my last four rounds. Finally, I manage to clip the very edge of the target before loosing the last three rounds to find their home...wait for it...IN THE BLACK....I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!!!!!!!!!!!! I should note that the rounds for my rifle (.338 Lapua Magnum) run about $6.45 per round...yep, you read that right, almost seven bucks a trigger pull. So those three rounds in the black cost about 140 bucks if you count the cost of the range time, targets, and the years taken off my life from the long walk down the range...did I mention it was like 800,000,00 yards, up hill, in the snow, both ways? We clean up and load up when "The Father" says he is going to walk down and get the targets. Having previously been on this journey I know that I must be the good son and intervene in order to save his life...did I mention it was like 3,287,900.7 miles to the end of the range? The one thing I learned on my journey to the end of the range, other than no taco trucks, was that you could drive down there...and most people were...like everyone else was...I was the lone idiot walking down there...some nice portly gentleman even offered my free candy and a ride back but I know better then to accept a ride from strangers...the candy was good though.

With the targets collected we set our sights on the first of what is to be many trips to Cabela's. For those of you that haven't been to Cabela's you need to be aware that the most dangerous place in the entire store is the entrance. This is where they try to sweet talk you with free gifts and rewards points for signing up for their Cabela's Rewards Visa. I need a Cabela's Rewards Visa like I need another hole in my head and thus have to run through the front doors, past the Rewards Visa Pimp like a greased turd on a water flume ride in order to avoid the sales pitch. All goes as planned and I make it into the store without being accosted by low interest rate pushers and go about my shopping. About three hours in I have to stop and take on provisions...ok, so that may be an exaggeration, but we were in there a long time. I also collected enough stuff that every employee that saw my cart started pushing the damn Rewards Visa..."you know sir, you would get a lot of points from a purchase like that"..."you know sir, we have great interest rates"..."you know sir, you'll only have to give up one kidney." Seriously people, chill out with the credit card offers.

I decide I've had enough of their pushy credit card offers and make my way to the check out stands. I am ushered over to a perfectly nice young lady with one incredible flaw...she is dumber than a bag of hair...in all reality that is doing bags of hair everywhere a disservice. I have never seen someone struggle with basic retail more than this poor young lady. Even the clerk behind her was shaking her head and rolling her eyes at the number of times she had to ask me to repeat my telephone number. I'm pretty sure that she isn't long for the retail world because she miscounted the cash I gave her by $100 extra...all I gave her was hundreds so it wasn't complicated. I will say that she was very impressed that I was from Brentwood, California, but I didn't have the heart to tell her it wasn't the Brentwood she was thinking of so as far as she is concerned, yes, OJ was my neighbor. Well apparently I was feeling sorry for this clerk because when it came time for her to offer me a Cabela's Rewards Visa, I caved. This was a total mistake because it added about 17 steps to my check out process...seriously, "The Father" had to go for water at one point...it was bad. My purchase completed, she ushers me over to another check stand where I have to fill out a credit application. She then has to take the application and input it into the computer...did I mention she had trouble with my phone number? After a great deal of effort and many repeated questions, including asking for my telephone number multiple times until another clerk pointed out that it was on the form that was in her hand...seriously....the process was completed and I am now the proud holder of a new Cabela's Rewards Visa. Not only do they approve you right there, but they print out the actual card so you can go melt the plastic numbers off during your first shopping trip before the ink is even dry. We wisely fled the store while we still could.

A stop a Culver's (awesome hamburgers and crinkle cut fries, but even better root beer, sorry A&W) for a late lunch, followed by a trip through CAL-Ranch, and a brief stop at Shop-Ko ended our day of shopping. We returned to the rig to get some sleep for what will be an exciting Monday because Jay Wirig arrives and the true mule adventure preparations will begin in earnest.

Just remember...credit card pimp (just say no), bag of hair, and everyone caves eventually.

Keep your bedrolls warm and sleep tight, the wild ride starts soon.

ps. Did I mention there was a new baby mule????

Little hard to see behind a very protective mama