The Mule Chronicles...Episode 5...Part 1 

(stop yelling, it'll be worth it)

In a State, far, far away

Mule riding rebels have descended into a lowly valley for a nice scenic ride
The Evil Stuart has other plans and has seduced Ben and Annie into his nefarious plan and unbeknownst to the mule riding rebels, an even darker force will soon enter the mix (pssst, his name is Brad. I know, not very evil, but work with me here.).....DUN! Dun! dun!

On Mule Trip Day 5, we decide that a late start and a nice leisurely ride is in order to scope out some potential hunting locations. We've donned all the appropriate western wear and have emerged from our humble accommodations with paper bowls of cereal in various states of breakfast consumption. Mainly because we decided it was too big of a hassle to boil water for oatmeal (A more proper cowboy breakfast in my mind). 

This is when Brad makes his first appearance in camp, riding up on his Japanese steed (4 wheeler) looking nothing the part of a cowboy. Now I must admit, I have only been introduced to the appropriate clothing for mule rides at this point and I have no idea what "city folk" are supposed to wear when they go hunting with a 4 wheeler so it is entirely possible that Brad was appropriately dressed. Who am I to judge? Of course Brad senses that I am the least experienced of the group and chooses to corner me to set his plan into motion. Brad lays out his story about how he has "draw tags" (Note to my non-hunter followers: these are really awesome to get...kind of like the hunting equivalent of hitting the lotto) and that he shot a deer the night before but that it was too late and too far in for him to pack it out by himself. Brad then says that if we would help him pack it out on our "horses" (silly city folk) he will show us where he has seen 3 bull elk and a number of 4+ point deer. You might recall that we have only encountered wild chipmunks and birds up to this point. You can also imagine that the thought of even seeing a shootable animal, not to mention the potential that my now million dollar investment in hunting gear might be put to use in actual hunting, is way more than I can take and there is no way I can kick this golden goose to the curb. But yet, I take pause and realize that the junior virgin member of this hunting brigade is probably not vested with the power to authorize such an endeavor (I'm pretty sure there is some kind of ceremony involved in receiving that kind of power) and set off to locate "The Father" (How Dad is always referred to in my family when high level decisions or approval must be sought). Dad arrived and silver tongued Brad lays out his pitch again. I'm shocked when Dad seems game, but yet not surprised when he decides that Jay must also be consulted. Jay is located and brought to the negotiating table where Brad, now somewhat perplexed at the amount of bureaucracy involved in retrieving said deer, repeats his stick one more time. Jay asks a few pertinent questions (where is it, is it cleaned and quartered, and you said it was a doe?). Yes, it was a doe, but Brad assures use everything is legit because his draw tag is for a doe. Jay declares we have a mission and we set to preparations like the flood waters are rising, a tornado is coming, and we are standing in a floating mobile home park. Brad offers his help, but being a City Feller he's pretty much useless for anything other than holding a mules lead rope. 

Because of the urgency of our now CIA special operations level mission, we do not have time for the normally involved multitudes of double checking of equipment or pre-mission planning and all three of use are pretty much running around crazily trying to saddle our mules as quickly as possible. So quickly in fact that Dad's first attempt fails to get his saddle adequately tight around Annie's midsection and his first attempt at hoisting himself into the saddle results in the saddle spinning and him nearly hanging off the underside of the mule like in those old cowboy cartoons when a horse turned too quickly...But again, I digress and get ahead of myself. 

The first matter of business is to collect the mules from the corral. Clearly sensing our excitement at our newly appointed status as "Saviors of the Hunt," Ben and Annie are more than happy to run right over to the gate to have the lead ropes affixed in preparation for the this high level command and conquer mission. Stuart on the other hand, has chosen to run to the far back corner of the corral and no amount of clicking my tongue, whistling, or baiting with treats is going to encourage his movement from said back corner. In fact, it is only after I walk three-quarters of the way across the corral that he decides to try to make a break for the opposite side. After only slight yelling and flailing of my arms, I manage to get Stuart cornered and he resigns himself to being led from the corral to be saddled.

I am left to my own devices to saddle and prep Stuart, which given how Episode 4 went, I'm more than a little hesitant to commit flying solo on the whole saddling procedures. Nonetheless, I dig in and tack starts flying as I do my best to convince Stuart that everything will actually be ok. Again, Stuart is throwing some serious side eye but fortunately soon becomes distracted by Brad who has now arrived to prey on the gimpiest and least seasoned member of our herd. 

I believe it was somewhere in here that a guy and his son pulled up looking for their friends who were supposed to be camped in near where we were. Of course the conversation steers to "where are you from" at which point someone tells the good fella we are from California. "Cowboys? From Cali?" is the instant reply. To which we shrug and figure we at least look the part at this point. Now had he shown up in Episode 6 or 7 it would have probably been abundantly clear that in fact, NO, just pretend cowboys come from Cali. 

Brad loses interest in me at this point at wonders off to inject his helpless city ways on Jay before deciding he needs a head start on us despite the fact that we still have no clue where we are supposed to be going to retrieve Brad's now likely eaten by bears doe kill from the night before. We manage to get into our saddles without the fanfare of Episode 4 and start to ride out only to realize that the key "Game Bag" needed for this insert and extract extravaganza is safely stowed in the side cabinet of the trailer. Jay commences to waiving wildly at Brad in an effort to get him to return to camp to retrieve said game bag because we know better than to temp fate by dismounting and then attempting to re-board our magnificent beasts. In an exchange that was not unlike a 4 year old girl waiving to Cinderella on a Disney float, Brad finally got the message that his presence was required back in camp. With only minor miscommunication (it's in the end box, no the other end, no not the middle, the end, the last one, yes, there, that one, very good) Brad is able to retrieve the crucial game bag and agrees to lash it to his 4 wheeler because if he touches one of the mules someone is going for an 8 second ride of fame. 

And finally we are off. Well not quite. Apparently Stuart has both Annie and Ben convinced that they are unfit to lead this high level operation and both firmly plant their hooves and refuse to budge. Meanwhile, I, being all too eager to fix anything in sight, decide I know what to do. A firm tug on the reigns and swift kick of the spurs and Stuart is off in an arch around the now steadfast Annie and Ben taking his rightful, if unearned, place at the head of the equine menagerie and finally we're off (undoubtedly much to Brad's relief because it's probably been three hours since he first laid out his plan). Brad is clearly confused by the speed at which a Mule truly desires to travel because he keeps stopping and appearing exasperated at having to wait for use to catch up. Brad clearly decides he's had enough of this and upon reaching the fire road that leads to the trail where his doe is located, declares he will meet us there. Meet us there? Were is there Brad? We are in a dang huge valley and there could be anywhere between camp and Idaho Falls at this point. Jay channels his best negotiations skills and Brad agrees to leave a sign at the trail head that he swear even Helen Keller can't miss. 

We enjoy our leisurely ride to the trailhead, waiving to all the flummoxed non-cowboy types who stand in awe of our ability to harness the power of nature and render it helpless to do our bidding as a taxicab of the old west. Upon arriving at the trailhead we do indeed find Brad's 4-wheeler, a large makeshift arrow pointing in the direction we need to go, but are shocked to find the vital game bag still lashed to the 4-wheeler. Clearly Brad is unaware of the importance of said game bag lest he would have endeavored to convey it to the extraction point. Now begins a series of "not me's." What's that you ask? It's the conversation that ensues when someone has to get off their mule for a reason that any of the other riders could just as well accomplish by getting off their respective mule. I, of course, see this coming and quickly wedge Stuart between two trees and proclaim, "I can't possibly get off, I'm stuck between these two trees." Jay then tries to convince Dad that he should be the one to get off and get the game bag. I didn't here any words exchanged and wasn't in a position to see the look on my Dad's face, but I'm pretty sure he flashed the "that ain't happening" cop look and Jay caved. Of course Stuart and I being in the lead and Jay behind me would soon prove to be a poor idea. Every time Stuart started to move, Jay would scream "stay still" because when Stuart moves, Ben decides it time to move and keeps trying to walk off with Jay only partially dismounted. 

It's probably time for me to note that Ben is a HUGE mule. Jay isn't exactly short, but Ben is so tall that even Jay has to look for any small advantage when attempting to hoist into the saddle. It's about this time that I turn and see Ben pushing Jay into a tree as Jay has pulled Ben to a small rise to gain the advantage in swinging his leg into the stirrup. Things are starting to look bleak when Jay is finally able to get into the saddle and we setoff down this narrow path cluttered with all manner of deadfall and other obstacles that I wouldn't try to cross if I were walking, much less on a mule. I dig deep and muster every ounce of testosterone and machismo I can find and press forward despite what is clearly impending doom.

We arrive to the the extraction site only to find Brad and two other hunters now working to drag Brad's doe down the trail. I should note that all these small details do not become critically important warning signs until well after we have returned to camp that night. I should also note that Jay has mentioned several times, and somewhat forcefully, that the mules don't like to see dead animals. Again, warning signs being ignored here but I at least pay head enough to steer Stuart well clear of the gaggle of day glow orange hunters that have gathered to help Brad. 

I am unable to overhear what is clearly a significant debate about the loading of Brad's doe onto Annie because I am staying well away of that mess and have refused to dismount out of fear of another Episode 4 rodeo adventure. Said Doe is lashed into the game bag and Dad is able to regain his purchase atop Annie just in time for Jay to declare that it is time to go. Again, I ride well clear of Annie who now has a deer carcass dangling from a somewhat insecure game bag as I dutifully follow Jay's instructions that we need to be in front so as not to spook our mules (HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAH, yeah, right!). 

Here I am, riding out front again thinking everything is hunky dory, only to hear what sounds like a woolly mammoth coming through the underbrush. I turn just in time to see Dad go ass over tea kettle off the back of Annie as she takes off like a kid on a $5 skateboard barreling down the side of Mount Everest. My life begins flashing before my eyes and Episode 4 is replaying on a loop as some kind of demented prophecy of things to come. I look back again to see Jay flying skyward like a rodeo clown that's just been battered by Beefus the record breaking bull at the Grand National Rodeo Finals. Episode 4 is now playing in full Dolby Surround Sound and 3-D 4k digital projection. 

I am committed to not having another unscheduled dismount and quite convincingly start telling myself "you got this!" I dig in deep and grab a big handful of reigns and start yanking Stuart's head like I'm at the circus and determined not to loose my cotton candy like a starving fat kid. I lean forward thinking that aerodynamics might be critical to success and feel the first shutter of Stuart starting to windup like a favored horse in the starting gates at the Kentucky Derby. 

If this were a movie, we'd cut to a blissful scene of blue sky and a long haired handsome lead man with the wind blowing his slightly tussled blonde locks. We're not in a movie so you'll just have to imagine my fat butt hanging on for dear life as Stuart is doing his best to break the sound barrier. Just lie Casey Jr I keep telling myself "I think I can, I think I can" as I hold on with all I can muster and continue yanking on Stuart's reigns in a futile attempt to turn him starboard and bring this runaway freight train to a halt thereby saving the day so I can ride off into the sunset as the ever graceful and commanding presence that is all that is mulemanship. 

Suddenly my inner monologue changes to "Oh, no you can't!" and Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer become my mind's sound track of choice. As I commence falling off Stuart's back for the second time in as many days, I catch a glimpse of Annie running by dragging Brad's deer by a webbing strap. I'm also pretty sure I hear Annie screaming, "something's chasing me, something's chasing me!" as she sped by. 

I'm going to apologize now because I hate a two part episode more than anybody, but you're going to just have to tune in to Episode 5 Part 2 to see how this disaster ends. Check back, I have to add the photos for this episode still too.